I Miss You

Right now, I really don't know how to describe how much i miss u, I have no idea what i have to do.


Sometimes I just spend my night time sitting at balcony and talk with God and u at the same time... "Do u miss me too?" Do u ever think of me how much i miss u here?" I don't know how to answer my heart questions but no matter what he do there, he think of me or not or he miss me or not or even he doesn't love me anymore, its not really matter as long he is happy there.
You know what I miss about him right now? I miss he laying his head on my thigh and i caress his hair, i miss he being spoiled with me, I miss he shy when i teasing him.... Actually I miss all about him but I just cant do anything here... I can't even talk to him, we have no communicate. I'm just a stranger right now and there's nothing I can do unless let he away with his own way. How I can make he stay if he doesn't want to.... how can I make he stay if I know he's not happy with me.... How can I beg him if I know my presence just make he feels hurt and make his life miserable. I wish i could hold his hands and say "please don't change" "please don't let this end" i wanna stay with him forever even destiny can't make me and him together. But I know its not fair.... it seems like I stop his way to be happy and its really not fair and selfish.
He still has a chance to change his life,.... and he still has strength to keep move on... He still has future..... I just want he get what he deserve in his life. All the best.....

He's too tired with me... With my self and with my problem life.... and I know that... Its too hard...
That's why I just let him go... because he deserve better than stay with me....
I know his happiness is not here with me, but I believe God will give to him... I believe soon or someday his prayer and my prayer will be come true because God is amazing... he always hears all prayer. Its all about the time....

Two important in my life just wish my love one and my daughter find their happiness,... their happiness is my happiness also....
Right now I only can stay beside my daughter but only my prayer will stay and follow him where ever he goes....


But how can I stop my self to not miss u here.... I can't...
I miss u every day, every time...
U had been changed my life and even u not with me,.. u always be part of life that u gave to me..... U've made feel in love for 1st time in my life, U change me... My daily use to be with u... when i open my eyes until i close my my eyes, u always with me.... I dependent with u and u know how much i need u in my life.......
I know u already gone and u will never come back but.... I really miss u, I do miss u... I miss u so bad.... I wish i can say to u how much i miss u... but i know its useless and only make u feel uncomfortable with this and all i can do just pray and pray for u. Sometime can help but sometime cannot.
I just make my self keep busy and tired everyday... busy with cuby, and handle things until i feel so tired then doctor can make me sleeping well in sick room. But I'm happy Cuby always cheers me up, I'm happy she is with me... I really can't imagine how hard if she's not here but the hardest time is late at night when she go to bed :( feel more deeply miss him :(
I start writing again as usual.... I've plan to make a book and I hope this year I can finish my writing. I really don't know about my future, Its already gone long time ago. But I still have one last hope.... I just wanna accompany my daughter as long as God give me time,.. she need love, she was a child who less affection from her parents,.. I just wanna give all the best as a mother. So as a child, she will never feel less anything when she grow up someday.
This is the only last thing I have to do, to be a good mother for her and give all the best for her.... I really hope someday she can share all the kindness to people and her world and I'm sure she will,.. because she is my daughter.... :) She also has a good father who love to share the kindness with people.... I believe someday she will be a good girl....



Right now I was at balcony busy with my laptop but I'm not alone,.. because my coffee and cigarettes always accompany me :D, exactly seems like this picture :D
The expression and the way this woman busy bite the cigarette just look same.... maybe if i show this picture with him he will agree with me.... He often said sometime I look like an old man... yea when he said that i was laughing :D I think he was right.... before I met him, maybe I'm not a woman (maybe :D) Actually he doesn't like my bad habit like i did now, smoking a lot, drink coffee often, less sleep and stay outside the room (balcony) late at night, but I think he will allow me do this right now (I guess). Oh God I really miss him until I cant cry anymore, and I talk alone here....... i know it sounds silly but I just need to speak out here... I need to release even just a little :(

U know.... Every night I spend my time just like this, writing my blog, writing for book, until morning.... but if I'm sick I think God wants me break for awhile.....
I think this time i wrote long letter on my blog.... wew hope the readers not get headache sudden but If u get headache now so better u stop reading this for now on because i still wanna write more :)



By the way.....
I wanna ask u something.... which one better... do u wanna be your self even sometimes look stupid or being something else which look good and perfect but actually u just pretending....
yea.. I think its depend on the place and time we be our self or pretending.
Maybe I'm too tired to pretending out there, try to show the cover of package look so nice... but no body knows what exactly inside. Do u ever feel tired with this? pretending like a doll....
I think people has reasons why they choose to not being their self until sometimes they also forgot how to honest with their self.... its like a habit....
But I have my own way about this..... Maybe I already tired with all happened in my life so I make a deal with my self between honest and dishonest.
I will put dishonest in my mind but Honest in my heart.
I'll explain u this.....
In this life we stay in two different places, there are home and outside home.
Home is picture of our self and family. and outside is environment; office, mall, etc
We cannot put full honest when we meet out client or anyone out there, and my mind is the place we can dishonest to them. Pretending...and try to show the fake package as best we can.
And when I'm home is the place of my heart to rest from dishonest. My heart is the place which I cannot lie and when I force to do... I just make my self suffering, so what for?
I feel no home if i do that... i also don't wanna lose my own self.
My heart is my home, my heart also the place when I close to God....
And I'm not perfect, i have lot of lacks and I accept the way who I'm. Be my self in my own home... and when I writing, I write from my heart... that I always miss someone even he doesn't love me anymore or I always loving someone who doesn't need me anymore. I feel free with my honest even I can't do anything.... but at least I'm honest with my self that I always in love with him, no matter he forgot me already.
I have no pain, not even angry.... I just love him so much, that's all I have.
Since I learn I have no worry or scare about my heart or my feeling when reminds me of him, I can listen song "I dont wanna miss a thing", I often watching his video or his picture when ever i miss him even I know we're not together again, even I know everything changing, even I know we already separated.... but this is who I'm.... I'm not changing, this is about my heart that I always love him. I don't care anyone say how stupid this girl.... but I'm free with my self..... to be honest with my self, with my heart and with God.....

Running from honest is the worst thing i ever do.... there's no home, lost, emptiness and desperate. I learn from all until I found my way to be free....
And I'm so happy God guide me.... and I hope he find his happiness too....
May God always bless him.... and his family.......
They were always be part of me and my life........
I already put them deep inside my heart, how can I forgot them.... :)
God bless all of you.....


With Love
Queenta