Here is my love memories.... :)

When I heard this song always reminds me of the one was so true.
____ It's "OUR SONG" ____

ONLY GOD KNOWS HOW I MISS U SO.......

Wonderful song......

This song always tears me up inside, deeply meaning isn't?
In loving memory.....
is not reminds something's gone but something which always live in our heart.
When reality comes unexpected and there's nothing we can do.....
It's so hard to letting go something which so meaningful in our life.
The one thing which cannot replace.... always live in our heart.
Only tears are representation from our heart when we can't say any words.
Tears are the deepest feeling of soul which cannot be describe by any languages.
But this is life....
Anything will be gone and everything will changing.....
This Life is not ours.... we will never be able to control everything that happens
We just try our self to accept and keep move on....
And let everything eternally in loving memory for the rest of our life.

I Miss You

Right now, I really don't know how to describe how much i miss u, I have no idea what i have to do.


Sometimes I just spend my night time sitting at balcony and talk with God and u at the same time... "Do u miss me too?" Do u ever think of me how much i miss u here?" I don't know how to answer my heart questions but no matter what he do there, he think of me or not or he miss me or not or even he doesn't love me anymore, its not really matter as long he is happy there.
You know what I miss about him right now? I miss he laying his head on my thigh and i caress his hair, i miss he being spoiled with me, I miss he shy when i teasing him.... Actually I miss all about him but I just cant do anything here... I can't even talk to him, we have no communicate. I'm just a stranger right now and there's nothing I can do unless let he away with his own way. How I can make he stay if he doesn't want to.... how can I make he stay if I know he's not happy with me.... How can I beg him if I know my presence just make he feels hurt and make his life miserable. I wish i could hold his hands and say "please don't change" "please don't let this end" i wanna stay with him forever even destiny can't make me and him together. But I know its not fair.... it seems like I stop his way to be happy and its really not fair and selfish.
He still has a chance to change his life,.... and he still has strength to keep move on... He still has future..... I just want he get what he deserve in his life. All the best.....

He's too tired with me... With my self and with my problem life.... and I know that... Its too hard...
That's why I just let him go... because he deserve better than stay with me....
I know his happiness is not here with me, but I believe God will give to him... I believe soon or someday his prayer and my prayer will be come true because God is amazing... he always hears all prayer. Its all about the time....

Two important in my life just wish my love one and my daughter find their happiness,... their happiness is my happiness also....
Right now I only can stay beside my daughter but only my prayer will stay and follow him where ever he goes....


But how can I stop my self to not miss u here.... I can't...
I miss u every day, every time...
U had been changed my life and even u not with me,.. u always be part of life that u gave to me..... U've made feel in love for 1st time in my life, U change me... My daily use to be with u... when i open my eyes until i close my my eyes, u always with me.... I dependent with u and u know how much i need u in my life.......
I know u already gone and u will never come back but.... I really miss u, I do miss u... I miss u so bad.... I wish i can say to u how much i miss u... but i know its useless and only make u feel uncomfortable with this and all i can do just pray and pray for u. Sometime can help but sometime cannot.
I just make my self keep busy and tired everyday... busy with cuby, and handle things until i feel so tired then doctor can make me sleeping well in sick room. But I'm happy Cuby always cheers me up, I'm happy she is with me... I really can't imagine how hard if she's not here but the hardest time is late at night when she go to bed :( feel more deeply miss him :(
I start writing again as usual.... I've plan to make a book and I hope this year I can finish my writing. I really don't know about my future, Its already gone long time ago. But I still have one last hope.... I just wanna accompany my daughter as long as God give me time,.. she need love, she was a child who less affection from her parents,.. I just wanna give all the best as a mother. So as a child, she will never feel less anything when she grow up someday.
This is the only last thing I have to do, to be a good mother for her and give all the best for her.... I really hope someday she can share all the kindness to people and her world and I'm sure she will,.. because she is my daughter.... :) She also has a good father who love to share the kindness with people.... I believe someday she will be a good girl....



Right now I was at balcony busy with my laptop but I'm not alone,.. because my coffee and cigarettes always accompany me :D, exactly seems like this picture :D
The expression and the way this woman busy bite the cigarette just look same.... maybe if i show this picture with him he will agree with me.... He often said sometime I look like an old man... yea when he said that i was laughing :D I think he was right.... before I met him, maybe I'm not a woman (maybe :D) Actually he doesn't like my bad habit like i did now, smoking a lot, drink coffee often, less sleep and stay outside the room (balcony) late at night, but I think he will allow me do this right now (I guess). Oh God I really miss him until I cant cry anymore, and I talk alone here....... i know it sounds silly but I just need to speak out here... I need to release even just a little :(

U know.... Every night I spend my time just like this, writing my blog, writing for book, until morning.... but if I'm sick I think God wants me break for awhile.....
I think this time i wrote long letter on my blog.... wew hope the readers not get headache sudden but If u get headache now so better u stop reading this for now on because i still wanna write more :)



By the way.....
I wanna ask u something.... which one better... do u wanna be your self even sometimes look stupid or being something else which look good and perfect but actually u just pretending....
yea.. I think its depend on the place and time we be our self or pretending.
Maybe I'm too tired to pretending out there, try to show the cover of package look so nice... but no body knows what exactly inside. Do u ever feel tired with this? pretending like a doll....
I think people has reasons why they choose to not being their self until sometimes they also forgot how to honest with their self.... its like a habit....
But I have my own way about this..... Maybe I already tired with all happened in my life so I make a deal with my self between honest and dishonest.
I will put dishonest in my mind but Honest in my heart.
I'll explain u this.....
In this life we stay in two different places, there are home and outside home.
Home is picture of our self and family. and outside is environment; office, mall, etc
We cannot put full honest when we meet out client or anyone out there, and my mind is the place we can dishonest to them. Pretending...and try to show the fake package as best we can.
And when I'm home is the place of my heart to rest from dishonest. My heart is the place which I cannot lie and when I force to do... I just make my self suffering, so what for?
I feel no home if i do that... i also don't wanna lose my own self.
My heart is my home, my heart also the place when I close to God....
And I'm not perfect, i have lot of lacks and I accept the way who I'm. Be my self in my own home... and when I writing, I write from my heart... that I always miss someone even he doesn't love me anymore or I always loving someone who doesn't need me anymore. I feel free with my honest even I can't do anything.... but at least I'm honest with my self that I always in love with him, no matter he forgot me already.
I have no pain, not even angry.... I just love him so much, that's all I have.
Since I learn I have no worry or scare about my heart or my feeling when reminds me of him, I can listen song "I dont wanna miss a thing", I often watching his video or his picture when ever i miss him even I know we're not together again, even I know everything changing, even I know we already separated.... but this is who I'm.... I'm not changing, this is about my heart that I always love him. I don't care anyone say how stupid this girl.... but I'm free with my self..... to be honest with my self, with my heart and with God.....

Running from honest is the worst thing i ever do.... there's no home, lost, emptiness and desperate. I learn from all until I found my way to be free....
And I'm so happy God guide me.... and I hope he find his happiness too....
May God always bless him.... and his family.......
They were always be part of me and my life........
I already put them deep inside my heart, how can I forgot them.... :)
God bless all of you.....


With Love
Queenta

Precious Gift From God

This is all about You ....


When I remembered about this country, it always reminds me of you....
From this country, God sent me 1 person to changed my whole life.....
To know how to loving, what love meant and true emotion about love......
A young teasing boy who so arrogant to show about his feeling, full of pride, but actually he just a shy guy and need a lot of attention :) He's very good man who always priority his friends needed than his own self... he loves freedom and challenge but little worried about commitment because he not ready to face the risk of love. I know actually he just need time to make his self ready for life.... to fix his self n fulfill his dreams. But I'm so proud of him because he could stay with me and strong to passing all the hard trials. He supported me unconditionally even i know its not easy for him, only his love to me could made him stay with me a little bit longer that time. I hope he knows that he is not failed about love. I wish I could say to him that I'm so proud of him for everything he did to me...
And when he said he cant be like before anymore and don't wanna feel hurt again, it doesn't mean he's not loving me true.... I knew he loves me but his happiness is not be with me.... to stay with me its the hardest thing to do, and I know he need to be happy, and that's only what i want... his happiness.. only his happiness.....
I wish I can hold him tighter,.. kiss him and say thank u for everything before he left me, but I know its impossible, and I hope he knows someday that I'm so thankful he came into my life and the way he change my whole life.
How can I forget everything even he went away..... he always live inside of me... his story will never end as long I still breathing...

Even you're not here with me anymore but u left me something inside of me that never been erase.... You always inside of me where ever i go,.. in every single breath i take, you always here... I saw ur face and feel ur love what ever i do, where ever i go and I'm not running anymore from the way God gave to me.
Everybody thought i was gone insane because sometime i talk alone, but actually i talk with God and u but I'm not realize they watching over me. I like sitting alone and look the sky and stars at night, I miss u everyday, every time... I miss every moments we have before,.. and I never feel far away from u even u not here with me. I always touch my chest and close my eyes whenever i miss u and I always feel u close to me... like i did right now. Its about what God gave to me from u... "a precious gift in my life" and when u came into my life is the most happiness ever happened in me.


I'm not realize yet this before and keep running from what i feel and everything since you changing and talk to me like a stranger. I ran from pain without you, but the actually I just hurt my self when I ran from these things.
Why i should keep running from.... Love is no need balance like i ever told before and i was so wrong.... Love is keep loving no matter what.... Love is accept something unexpected, loving in unconditionally. Love is how to show and give all the best... Loving is how the parents give the love for their children. Giving and sacrifices without expect something back.....

When we could Loving someone like this, we will never hurt our self for Love....
When we feel hurt or disappoint, we will easy to forgive....
I realized I've made a lot mistakes to loving before, and I just find the truth since we separated.... And I'm so sorry, I'm not give u all the best when we still together, I ever told u that i need our love balance, i need u loving me more but now I do realized that I was so wrong and wish God forgive me because I'm not loving u better before..... But I'm not sorry for loving u.... because its true....

I'm happy when i know you find a way to be happy, I pray since u decided away from me because I believe anything happened between us is God's plan and I believe God always know what the best for us.
I learn a lot of things since I met u...
Right now I was disagree about some quotes says "the most painful is lost someone we always love and we must forget something we cannot forget". My question is why we feel pain and why we must forget? Love is not suppose to be like that, love is not trouble... but the problem is we still expect something when we loving.... and these things made loving seems trouble. Why all parents never complain whenever their kids hurt or disappointed their heart? because parents love is true love... Why God says to us to respect them more than anything and why God says mother is noble... Because their love is representation of God's love... Loving without expecting, only sacrifice and give all the best. That's the real of true love that God wanna teach and show to us..... but unfortunately we're often too late to realize... and always think that loving is a trouble and full of painful... like i was before.... and Its totally wrong.

You ever told me that u've made my life miserable and you don't want be a reason for my separation with him... I just wanna tell u that I'm happy right now and u're not the reason i separated with him. This is my way and this is for my life....
You know that I never love someone who marry me, and I couldn't lie for the rest of my life... God knows if i still with him, i will make a lot of sins and there is no blessing from God. I knew that I'm not for him,.. and this is the best way for me and him to divorce.
This way also not excuse for me to expect anything from u, i decided this for my peace life with my angel. I just want give the rest of my time for Cuby and give all the best i can do to make her life happy and she will never feel less anything from me. She already has a father, we wouldn't replace it.
God knows there's no second if I already have the ONLY in my life... and I'm not expect anything from u...... because I realized, you not happy with me and my love just cause you pain...
I wish i could turn back time and change the way I loving u and make u always happy with me but I know its impossible. I realized that u have rights to decide ur own way to be happy. Me and Cuby just wishing ur happiness, I promise to God that I will stop my tears when I know u find ur happiness.... I just want u to be happy...... because u part of me... when u happy I will feel happy too, and when u sad and down, i also feel the same.
I always pray to God to give u happiness after all u have done to me,.. after all the things u did and all the things u gave to me. U the precious gift from God in my life.... I wish I could give u more and more for the rest of my life... but I know all its done and my presence only mess your life and i know it will hurt u more...
The only thing i can do just never stop pray for u.... always n always.....

I do love u Gary, I really do... I know everything or anything could be change, but I promise to God, to u and Cuby that I will never change......
Thank u for always pray for me and Cuby... I feel always here....
Wish God hears this prayer.... Amen





Love Always
Queenta

Loving is beautiful....... Love will help us to find the truth of happiness.

Child is like an angel.... from them we learn how to love n feel to be loved.
God bless them... Amen

The Power of Love is from God's Love

Maybe I have no words to say anymore, how a stranger could say a words to u? but....... God knows.... I always pray for u there, may God always take care of u n bless u where ever u are... I wish u happy there without me anymore.... its the only thing that i wish for u....
You always the biggest part of me n my cuby.... where ever we go, where ever you go, no matter how far... in every prayer there's no limit on distance,place n time....
Prayer is immortality.

And next month she will starts goes to school, i mean play group school in new place, new life n new environment... I never realized she grows so fast.... she really gave me lot of strength to stay alive n face this life. I feel so blessed she is with me... Child's love is like stay in heaven.... I'm so happy n so thankful for every God's love in my life....
Even this life isn't mine but i would give n build a better world n life for her...
u know i would.....
Everytime she look at me, hold my hands, hugging me, crying n call my name.. i feel like real mother... and its the most happiness a mother's feeling.... feel needed by our child. I hope God knows and give me more time to be with her until she grow n can stand by her own... I do love her like i love u.... i love her more than my life n everything i have. God knows.. i would give her anything... a better life.. more than i have, all that i can give... I believe God will never take something if it still be needed until all done.
Please... dont forget to coming in her wedding if she invite u... i know its still long but pls dont let her down when she needs u someday... but im not force u to do this, only as long as u can. i wish u always love her like i love u both...
Take care always there...

Love always
Queenta

___US___

I remembered someone ever showed me this song when i was so down....
Actually i know this song long time ago...
There's no happiness in this life without pass God's ways....

••• HUMAN •••

Human...
Kenapa sering kali kita lupa bahwa kita adalah manusia. Sadarkah kita bahwa kita bukan siapa2... Keangkuhan diri, membuat kita sering lupa akan banyak hal.... Lalu apa yg tersisa dari kebaikanmu sebagai manusia? Seharusnya kita mampu melakukan byk hal dlm kebaikan tapi terkadang kt terlalu sombong. Setetes kebaikan sering kali dianggap cukup sehinnga kita mrs ckp pantas mjd manusia. 27 thn aku hdp sbg manusia tp aku tidak prnh merasa menjumpai kaumku, aku sdri bhkn tdk yakin apakah aku msh pantas mjd manusia atau tlh hilang brsm mereka. Inikah manusia2mu Tuhanku... Siapakah aku? Siapakah mereka? Masih adakah ketulusan? Kejujuran? kemurnian hati? Bukankah kita adalah makhluk yg sempurna diantara makhluk lainnya,apakah kita sebagai manusia ckp beradab? Lalu mengapa manusia sering kali memakan manusia lainnya untuk mempertahankan hidupnya. Kenapa manusia harus memilih untuk menyakiti manusia lainya daripada berkorban untuk manusia lainnya. Tuhanku... Aku tidak ingin menjadi manusia seperi itu, tetapi aku justru dijadikan makanan empuk untuk mereka. Aku memang lemah tapi aku ingin beradap. Aku ingin kedamaian aku ingin kejujuran hatiku. Bukankankah kau berikan kedudukan kami sebagai makhluk sempurna karena kami memiliki akal dan nurani.
Aku tidak pernah menemukan apa yg aku cari selama ini, sampai aku berada pada titik ini. Dan aku telah menemukan jalanku... Adalah rumahmu. Dimana aku menemukan sgala yg aku butuhkan... Tidak ada satupun manusia yang mampu memberikannya untukku selama 27 tahun aku mencari... Saat ini adalah saat terindah dalam hidupku, aku memiliki rumah dalam hatiku dan malaikat kecil disampingku. Siapapun bisa meninggalkanku, menyakitiku atau bahkan membunuhku tapi tidak dengan cinta Tuhan pada umatnya. Thank u God... For all your love. I believe u will save us, protect us n never leave us....
God bless all of us... Amen

Song For My Angel.................

I Love You My Little Angel, Mom Loves you always

We'll always together sweetheart....
We are not alone.... God always with us and bless you always,...
Mommy loves u always.....

When our hearts one, you'll see.. .me....

__Pain__

I wont run from you
I wont scare to feel u
You existed
You created me
You're part in it
Yes you always will

I feel u
Dance with you
United to u
Relieving me

YOU'RE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE......

There's nothing i could say to u when u talked to me like a stranger.
i know i ever told u to lessen our intense n stay communicated by email, n i told u the reason why... but i never thought u treated me like this way.
Maybe u angry with me, Maybe i hurt u cos of this, or maybe u just want to go away from me n forget me... n i have no idea why u changed without tell me the reason why.... It really shocked me......
But what ever ur reason babe, i just hope u can forgive me if this is the way u feel babe before u end this.... i hope u forgive me even u don't wanna talk to me anymore, i hope u forgive me all my sins to u before u forget me. In the name of God i really don't wanna or mean to hurt u bcs u part of me. But I'm just a human full of lacks n i hope u can forgive me before u leave me....

1st time when i knew u so different i felt so down for couple days but then i realized why i should sad if this way make u happy, why i should so down when i saw u strong enough without me and why i should cry when i know u don't need me anymore.
Then i ask my self do i really love u? "yes i really do"
I suppose happy when u found ur way to be happy without me.... then i stop my self to cry for ur changing even i still cry when i remember everything about u n us, all i can do just hug Cuby.... cos she part of us... and i know u deserve to be happy after all that happened..... u have rights to change n find ur own way to move on....
But i still believe in God, that u never far away from me.... thats only i've got to keep holding on with u babe.....

I just need ur forgiveness before u end this babe. I wont ask u more to do,.. i only beg u to give me last peace before u leave me babe, pls forgive me.......
I'll always pray for u n i believe our soul will meet in front of God in every prayers.
I never feel far away from ur soul whenever i stay kneel in front of God, u always inside of me babe, nothing will change in me, n i believe our love we have is part of God loves.
You're the love of my life..... n i'll always keep this love until i meet God someday.

Babe... i really need to talk n hug u before u leave me.... but i know u wouldn't come.....
Thats why i wrote this letter for u......
Thank u for everything u've given to me...
U guide me to God
U teach me how to smile
U show me life is so beautiful
U made me feel so alive
U made me feel like a woman
U made me feel the real happiness
U made me feel beautiful
U made me feel the real love
U stay loving me in any condition
U accept my lack as a woman
U always made me forgot that i'm sick
U always make me smile when i get upset
U made lot miracles in my life
U made me so completely
And for all these, im so thankful to God that I found my happiness n my soul mate already in u. and its more than enough for me than nothing... i feel so lucky babe n i never end this even i have to lie with everyone... i just cant lie with my heart n what i feel to u.....
I'll never forget u babe, never..... u always inside of me n there's nothing change in me.
I'll always miss u in every single breath i take...
And I'll keep waiting last miracle... i'll be waiting... even lifetime........
God will bless everything u've given to me,.. God bless ur every dreams,.. God bless ur every step.... God bless ur every prayer....
I believe God will take care of u alwys what ever u do n where ever u are baby.
In every prayer i'll always hold ur hands n hug u so tight, cos this only way to make me feel u so close to me....
I'll missing u n loving u as my real husband, u already have the whole inside I am, n i never regret that..... U always inside of me... always.....


With Love
Queenta

Before you leave me............

When we know that we have to lose something
Try to remember about we've been through
Wishing that we'll make it
And it will be ended

It's all about it's killing me
And it will always be a part of this life
When we know will be ended
It's all about it's killing me
And it will always be a part of this life
But let this reminds our memories

Our hearts stop beating
Our minds stop thinking
I've wasted more time dreaming
When it all comes crashing
'Cause we will never made it

how can we save it
This is not the end
We did everything together
This is what always remind me
Don't let everything go through just like that
Or just let the time end it

This is a letter about the last
And we don't want
Any regret about our mistake

We've tried our best
And we'll keep doing our best
We've already started it
And we're gonna finish it 'til the end
With all any reasons, I couldn't say
That will be last..
Will be last...

Julia Sheer ft. Kevin Littlefield - "Far away" - Music Video - Dear John...

I........... MISS..........YOU...........
IN EVERY PRAYER I CALL U,... I FEEL U.... I BREATH U......
I HOPE U CAN HEAR ME.....................
I.....MISS........YOU.......SO......
I.....NEED........YOU.........
......ALWAYS........
I'LL SEE U AGAIN IN PRAYER BABE..... I WAIT U THERE.......
I ALWAYS WAITING U THERE..........

avril lavigne slipped away live

i always be same person as u know, n i wont change. cos i cant live a lie no matter how hard to face the truth..... this is me.... n always be me..
i know sometimes we cant control this life and somehow people changing for finding out what make ourself strong. but only one thing which make life cant control us... there is a strong faith inside our soul.
Baby, u never be a stranger for me... u always be part of me, my life n soul... n i never change for u no matter we live in separate ways or life...
there's no past between u n me....

less than six months feels like years we had been together.... from those moments, it will always be the most my happiness time in my life, i wont forget that.
and if u wont be the same anymore i think u have rights to make ur self changing, u deserve to have ur own life much better. cos might ur duty its done to stay with me ... if right now u happy n already found ur way, i will happy for u babe....
I believe someday God will make ur dreams come true.... n u will thankful for all trials u've been trough. thank u for everything baby... may God bless u always, im happy see u strong enough now... Gud luck n survivors struggle... God be with u baby... always....
I'll see u again in prayer... love u always

God bless people who i rely loved n who loves me true in this life.... Pls love n take care of them.

Nothing else matters - Lucie Silvas (lyrics)

Even life crashing down... Everything might be changed but there's no changing for loving true. "this became my own way to keep hold on it" there's nothing else matter