Today its 1st time I saw ur tears down continuously, I never thought you always feel my pain, my sorrow and your heart cry for what I feel, and for the 1st time in my life I saw a man cry for me, not cry for him self... But for me... for me....
This is 1st time since I'm with u, I just look at you as the real you.. My eyes have seen the person who really love me, no shadow or illusion. I can see u, feel u, yes I saw u... Ur face, Ur lips, Ur hair, Ur eyes.... U are not my past.... U are the LOVE. I feel ur love and this made my heart tremble when I saw u like this....
I've been in love with my past, so much in love but I never seen someone love me like u did to me..... U always there, even u know my door stay closed to u. U always stand there waiting the door open, for more than five years....
Ur heart always stay open for me whenever I come to u, Ur hands always reach me when u know I fell down. Ur arms always keeps hug me when I cry..... Ur time always for me... Ur mind, Ur love, and everything u have.
This time, I'm not crying for my self or my past but I also cry for u....
I've cried for Ur love to me.... U've been trying so hard to fix me... to make me feel alive like b4, bring back my dreams n everything that I lose it all. U tried so hard.... so hard..... and I just see those things with my eyes, I just see right now in front of me..... It was u.... not my past shadow, but you... I really saw u... and feel u for real...
You're not useless babe,.. U're not.....
Look at me now... I'm not crying for my past no more... I cried for u.... I feel u.....My lips, my tongue feel stiff n my heart trembling... Tonight u already hold my heart and now ur love stay inside of me..... I cant stop crying, I saw u sleep.. Ur face... u look tired.... Oh God... what plan u gave to me.... This love really touched my heart deeply, so hard to breath... Is that Ur way to heal my pain? If he really my destiny pls guide me... I really don't want to loose him, he's too important....
His love made me need him every single time n day, cos no one love me like this way. I don't wanna make a mistake... stuck in the past n cannot see the real love in front of me. I don't want let it go, I don't wanna feel regret.
I wanna feel his love everyday, every sec, n gain my love for him...

I've been tired in love for someone who never keep fight for love, I'm tired to fight alone with my self, for my past, for this pain... everyday I just feel he never there for me, he don't even know exactly what was happened with me... he just has no time to think about that... since the suicide until this day... there's nothing he can do to save me, or save the love or even just stay accompany my day. I've been so tired to stay like this..... begging him, needed him, loving him, missing him, cry for him, stuck in the past that I cannot change... I just want to let him go, n let the past stay in memory not in my heart... I just want to get outta from my past.
Help me God.... I want to start my new life without the shadows of my past.....
Pls help me.... I really want to end this..... I beg u in my prayer tonight... Please help me God....
I want to start my new life next year... I wanna build new home as new happy family. Happy couple, n feel his love purely. Just me n him..... no more past......
God,.. if YOU choose him for me, I just wanna give the pure love for him... make him happy like he always did to me, stay n love him unconditionally like the way he loves me. I could do anything for love, I will do that......
I need Love which strong for the last forever, and can fight together to keep maintain love n never let go. Struggling for love together, bless every happiness n sacrifice together. He show me how real love... he already did... I'm so bless feel his love to me... he is like the gift from God to me....

I cant wait he wake up,... I just wanna show him, this is who real I'm... I wont be the else side of my self no more, I just wanna be my real self in front of him. No more fear, I believe in him... I believe u... when u wake up, u will see me differently... U deserve to have me... I wanna love u.... n happy together with u. follow u, respect u, loving u, need u, and start my new life with u....
I wanna jump on u, n whispering u something.... u will know.....
I wanna closed my past since now on, n be with u... I wont play ur love, I just wanna stay with someone who really love me.... and It was u.....
"THERE CAN BE MIRACLE, WHEN WE BELIEVE" I never thought it was u can love me this way, I really never knows it was u.... but Now I know..... I see u, I feel u....
Now I wanna end my diary with smile, n lil tears of happiness....
Thanks God for tonight, U make my heart can feel this, U open my heart and open my eyes for something that I never seen before.
Thanks God for every trials n pain... for happiness, for tears on my face... this time u gave me special gift in my life..... pls guide us and bless us, make this love grow n strong until last forever...
Bless my past too.... guide my past to find his happiness, to find what true love is.... guide him to fulfill his dreams n future. God bless him n our past.... Amen

Happy Five Monthsarry for past happy couple

Happy 5th Monthsarry for past couple....
Even I'm not a part of this anymore, but I still here for reminisce this moment. Sounds insane n foolish.... but their story always stay in my memory.
So if they're still here, I can feel their happiness in this time. This date is day they became together as a couple n became united.
So my prayer for both of you happiness in life, soul, mind, heart, n future.
God bless you both always and always.... :D

Let Your Heart See What Your Eyes Cannot (Listen to your heart)

Dieser Zeit habe ich das große Geständnis in meinem Leben, über mein Herz mit ihm, mein bester Freund Jo. Letzte Nacht dort etwas passiert zwischen uns und das ist wirklich ändern meinem Herzen. Oh Gott .... Ich habe nie das Gefühl mein Herz so, ich fühle mich wirklich wahr und sehr schwer zu leugnen.
Ich spüre seine Liebe mehr als vor meiner Liebe mit jemand anderem, seine Liebe so stark n erstochen mein Herz mit seiner Zärtlichkeit. Mein Herz zittert jedes Mal, wenn ich sehe seine Augen, er ist wirklich mein Herz berührt, wenn wir lieben letzte Nacht. Die Art, wie er zu berühren, wie er behandelt mich, wie er schaut mich an, wie er zu sprechen, ich fühle mich wie niemand mich lieben so. So stark, aufrichtig, und machen mich sprachlos.


Jetzt ist meine ganze Welt total verändern und anders, wenn er in meinem Leben bleiben, nachdem jemand, wer ich wirklich weg Liebe gegangen, nachdem mein Leben fallen in Stücke schneiden. Er kommt und mein Leben zu retten, zu heilen mein Herz, fühle ich mich komplett und Glanz. Ich weiß nicht, wo ich ohne ihn wäre, macht das Leben mit ihm vollkommen Sinn.
Jetzt erkenne ich, dass ich ihn liebe, ich brauche ihn, ich will nicht auf ihn los, er wichtig für mich, ich will nicht locker seine Liebe zu mir. weil er das kann man mich so lieben, ist er der einzige.
Jo, ich sage kann nichts, aber ich weiß Ich liebe dich, Letzte Nacht habe ich das Gefühl, dass ich wirklich das Gefühl, deine Liebe und du wirklich in mein Leben.
Hoffnung eines Tages, wenn ich bereit bin, werde ich Ihnen sagen, dass Ich liebe dich tun. Danke für alles mein Jo


Ich weiß, ich kann nicht in der Vergangenheit stecken bleiben Erinnerungen, ich weiß schon alles ändert, kann er nicht, mich zu lieben scheint wie vorher. Meine Vergangenheit ist schon mit dem, was passieren jetzt vereinbart, darf er meine Vergangenheit zu mir zu kommen, bei mir bleiben und akzeptieren, was mein Papa will. Er hat nie zu kämpfen, oder glauben Sie mir. Warum brauche ich, um zu verweigern, wenn meine Vergangenheit müssen bis zum Ende, das ist mein Schicksal und ich muss es akzeptieren und loszulassen.
Bleiben Sie in der Vergangenheit ist wie im Traum bleiben, der sehr schwer zu Loslassen, ich liebe meine Vergangenheit, mein Glück in der Vergangenheit, jemanden zu lieben in der Vergangenheit, sondern seine nur die Vergangenheit. Nun sind alle bereits im Wandel. Ich weiß nicht, wie man nun entscheiden, vielleicht bin ich nicht bereit noch an mein Herz wieder zu öffnen, lassen Sie jemand anderes, aber ich weiß Jo liebt mich sehr tief. Ich warte nur Zeit

Message and Prayer

This is a message and a prayer.
The one person who I was born to love forever.
A person like me, a person who created by God for me and God created me from his rib.
A person who has half part of my soul, my heart and part of God's heaven in his heart.

This is a message and a prayer.
For the one person rich in simple treasures,
self-made, self-taught.
A harbor where I am forever home.
And no wind , no storm....
Or even a death can knock down this house

This is a love which cant describe with words
Even the sea become ink, it's still not enough to tell how much I have this Love.
I pray for this kind of love.
The sincere of God's love, unconditional and honest
then there will be an erasing of all guilt, sins, all regret, and an end to all anger.

I found the power of God's love from this kind of love.
The love which cant be fade or disappear by any disasters, misfortune or disturbance.
even knife stubbed the heart, or even tore into pieces.
God led this Love keeps eternal inside two souls became united.
We walk by the faith and prayer as a bridge, May God always blessed this Love.

This is a message and a prayer.
The message is that my travels taught me a great truth.
I already had what everyone is searching for and few ever find:
The one person in the world
Who I was born to love forever.

God please fill this Love with thoughts of Your love.
so may the Love grow in Your Wisdom and Your Peace.
Nothing is good that is against Your Will,
and all that is good comes from Your Hand.
Bless this kind of Love and will be an erasing of all guilt, sins, all regret, and an end to all anger then everyone in the world can know this kind of love,
and be healed by it.

Amen

Keep Dreaming.....

Today I put my dream song, I feel so happy because I can imagine my dream someday after so long the wall look so empty and I know it will come true. Thanks God for this feeling today, I keep imagine like a bride and walk to the altar with a lots flowers and my little girl hold my hand. And I see the Gift of God in front of me, smile at me and say how beautiful my bride. I have big smile now,.. what a dream? hehe but I'm happy with this.... Oh God thank you for everything, I can feel my life back little by little... all because of you.... Amen

Last this month, I knew there's a lot of changes in my life,....
when I fell n so down, when I lost everything I have, when my heart in pain, ....
There's nothing I can see or even can feel before. I'm totally lost when I know I can't take someone I really love back. He just let me stay with pain.....
Now I'm here, cos of God I still alive even I've to face the hardest situation in my life. There's one person really help me can pass get through, he is my best friend, but since I had relation with someone, I never think he is my best friend anymore.
I always ignored him,. fighting with him, we distance and never give he chance to talk to me. Cos he always interfere with my privacy life.
I just think he's a very selfish person who force me to love him back,.. and since he touch me, I cut off any relation with him. Before I felt really regret have a best friend like him, and trust him as my best friend for 5 years.

More worse happening is when he stolen my card and deleted all my file inside, I don't know now why right now he can here with me again. I don't know how can this happening.
I never know he always there watching me... I don't even realized he always there......I never know him cos I'm not interesting to know anything about him...

But now, why he really changed in my eyes......
What kind more illusion again? I'm freaking tired with my life but he always tried to make me back to feel my life. This time so different, he never make me discomfort.
When I feel sad, down n cry he always there to listen even I shout him, wreak my anger on him, punch or kick him.
He keep holding me when I hurt my self. Even He know I really love someone else,... he still there for me. I ask Why? Why u sacrifices ur self for me? then he said, he just so sad see me like this, he never think this is his sacrifice for me. "If u really want to know the most sacrifice just look at Your self,... Why u sacrifice ur self for him like this, he even do nothing there" when I heard he said that my tears down continuously.... I cried so hard. I know he try to wake me up, I know he tried but that time i still feel fragile.
He convinced me, that what I've seen now it's not illusion. He told me that He always there when I feel so down even I never look back, he remind me very detail all past stories happened to me until this time he always here for me. Honestly his reason really touched my heart, but my mind keep saying "Don't trust or u will get hurt again". I've been in critical stage to trust of something, even my heart can feel but my mind always refuse.
Why he still loving me? he knows I never love him. I have lots lacks.. my condition ain't same like other woman, look at me? Someone I really love also don't want me as his gf anymore,.. so what he expect from me? I have nothing.
He told me He wont expect anything, He saw enough my pain, n he just want to give my happiness back. All happens to me make he realize that Pure Love is never expecting of something but to how we give some meaning.
I always speechless when the words came from his mouth, he talking so different.
He knows I need help, and everyday he always know what I need b4 I say it.
But I know how hurt in his position now, this make me think I don't want to hurt anyone, cos I know how it feels.... I appreciate his help even true or not I still appreciated.
I know, he don't want me think hard or think about any, but I just human, I still have heart even not intact, I'm not evil or selfish. I just can't...
I also don't want anyone touch my heart, My heart still broken n fragile... I'm not ready for another pain again right now and I don't want he more loving me, it will be more hurt.... but I dunno how.. I really don't know how to find a way...
But I appreciate his help even true or not I still appreciated and God knows he really help me to passing the hard phase...

I speechless not cos I'm happy what he done to me. But why HIM?
Why Him? I never expect he said this to me, but I expect someone else could say or do something before. He always don't know what to do and everything already changed, there's nothing I can do unless follow what he want n accepted.
Even now he try... I think will more hard n I'm sure he wont sacrifice that much.
I love him so much, My love never changed, but the pieces not fit anymore, n so hard for me to put back together same like before.

Why Life so unfair, when we really love someone then we know they can't give or do anything. But when we not expecting any love from someone, they can give and do everything for us. Is like we love the ones who ignoring us and ignoring the ones who love us... What kind of life is this?
Is there a sincere love in this world?
is there any love can be fight? is there a strong love could deal with all trials? is there any love can be survive in sorrow, sickness or unhappy situation?
Cos sometime what u want isn't always u get, but in the end what u get is so much better than what u wanted. ......only God knows........

BLACK BUNNY: Thank you for this pain

BLACK BUNNY: Thank you for this pain

Thank you for this pain

Today is my sorrow, I just left behind.....
There's nothing matters, I tried to open my eyes this time and its clear enough for me.
He never say goodbye but this is more than goodbye... (unspoken) 
I'm not blind, but I pretending to be blinded so far.
I just don't wanna realize u could do this, but actually I know u can....
I don't wanna believe u change, but I know u changed....
I keep my trust in u that u never hurt me, but I know u did...... even so many times.
I just keep my self blinded....... I don't wanna let my self see the truth... 
But this time and today, I let my eyes and my heart open to see the truth and this is more than clear enough.....
Now u made me believe u can hurt me, kill me, push me under and let me more suffering.... 
There are two sides about my self, between my heart n my logical.
I'm strong enough in logical side, but u hold my weakness heart.
And now, u already killed that part, I never expect the end like this but u did it today. 
even worse it doesn't matter anymore, I know everybody will do same like u.
Its normal.... and I let you left me with this way, cos there's nothing I can do to make u stop hurting me and here is the end of US.
I don't wanna hate, I just hide until time will cure the pain inside.
I wont cry no more, I wont let them out, I wont..... no matter how I just wanna keep inside, so no one can see my tears anymore. 
"Why this time anyone else was RIGHT about you".
or maybe so far I was wrong to gave my love to u, trust u and believe anything what u said or maybe I just blind deep in love with you. 
I learn to smile again, even not coming from my heart but I keep it try..... 
I learn much things about love, they said "1st love never die" but the silly thing happened is "1st love made me died"... funny isn't? 
It's not "Love" mistakes but its about people use in the name of Love to hurting anyone else, not because Love hurting you but they don't know how to show the Real Love and maintain it. That's the main point happen about "Love"


I learn much from this painful, sometime when u feel very deep in pain, there's no one care or hear u and how empty ur life and lost ur way, hard to breath, cant smile, hard to sleep, frustration, desperate, and much more. If you want to end everything is only wait someone u love to hurting u once again.... when that happen, just open your eyes dont make ur heart be blind. Make ur self realize that He or She, is the one, yes someone u love is kill you. The only one can kill you..... 
The most pain and hurt is when u know everything is wrong or changing but u still wanna try harder to fight and bring everything back together.... But He/She doesn't do anything,.. only  leave u and let u suffer alone without explanation or say goodbye. 
So what u do? Are you still hoping or try something even u know its not gonna make it. You cant fight alone. If he/she just wanna end the love, anything u do is nothing. 
Just open your eyes and stop defending or pretending that He/she never hurt u. 
Just open your eyes and realize its Enough.... Your love, your heart and your Life are very priceless, and its enough. God knows all the sacrifices you've done. Who's gonna help u? no one.. only your self can do. Your tears are empty..... there's nothing u can do anymore, even suicide only make ur self more weak... 
The only thing u need to do just realize "its over". Its time to left something to your self, even just a piece. To move on and give all the pain to God, He will take your pain away if you already let it go..... 
Keep in faith cos only God can hear what deep inside your heart. Its not how to forget but how to let it go. 
You'll never realize, today you feel so much in pain but when u accept all the pain and let it go.. U'll never realize that u already changed become new person. Its like to be born again...... God is always listen when our heart crying, he never let us being suffer if we believe him...... There's nothing impossible and there's always a way if we try. Always listen to your heart before u do something, cos heart is part of God to speak with us... "Thank u for person who always stay beside me when I fall, I never expect you before, but this time u really help me, even I always saying bad and ignored u or sometimes I wreak my anger to u, but u still here. I just don't wanna say this in front of u cos still hard to trust again this time.
But Thank u. 
Good night and God bless you all

BLACK BUNNY: My 1st day make a diary

BLACK BUNNY: My 1st day make a diary

My 1st day make a diary

Today its been 2 days here, tried to find my self, fix all things happened last.
My daily is still same, going to have some therapies n try to walk, find the missing pieces.
I dunno what the future, the wall still blank even i try to imagine.... our memories still refresh but there's nothing i can do unless accept my fate. 
I tried to made some video, this way can make me  can speak out.... no body hear, no body knows or even care. I just tried to help my self, to breath again, to feel this life, to smile again, even one smile from deep inside my heart, not pretending to feel okay. 
I still love him, probably always love him, i keep pretending so far, but i want to confess my self  here, my heart will always belong to him til the rest of my life. i cant run even how pain i felt this love, cos for the 1st time i really deep in love with him. 
He is my 1st love, My true love, part of my life and soul. No matter how he hurt me or kill me, i know i always love him. Maybe people will say how stupid I'm but This is my true confess. 
Sometimes i cried why love keeps me stay in pain, i still cant accept this is my destined.
I thought love that we have is strong enough to face how hard trials, I thought he really love me n keep his promised never leave me and hurt me. But once again, this is life,... anything could be happen.... 
My fault is, i never think this is will happen.... and thats made me broke down and cry. Feels like u fall in deep hole and you just keep trying to get out.
I wanna feel the sun again, feel the beautiful morning and day even without him. I keep it try and try.... i really try.... Hope i still have chance to feel my life again..... 
this time i just got home from therapies, as usual i always feel so sleepy... i know they made me sleepy coz i wasn't sleep whole day. Even now, he always on my mind... i knew he have bad colds now, my heart wanna say something like before, "Pls baby have a rest, why u got bad cold? u never listen to me, pls sleep properly, and eat. take vitamin everyday. i'm so worry about u.... pls rest baby, i will stay beside u, caress ur hair, hug u so tight, kiss u, whispering u how much i love u. i hold ur hand, pls close ur eyes n sleep, i always beside u. I love u so much babe, God bless us." that what i always said to him. But my throat and tongue feel stiff, I'm speechless and only can say "get well soon". I know I'm totally sick but my heart always same. 
I need to sleep now, my mind become frozen n push me lay down. 
Talk to you later..... good evening 28